Hiraeth

I am a serial Netflix binger. This is an honest confession. Given light days, I find myself glued to Netflix till the dark - my dog the only distraction. On realization, I did a quick analysis only to realize more that  Netflix is a portal to many lives and chapters for me. Quite akin to the feeling I had as a child being lost in books. I do suffer from a content hang-over - while earlier it was Rebecca of Daphne Du Maurier or Heathcliffe of Wuthering Heights or Irene Adler of the Sherlock fame - these days the characters and content are transient : probably can even term them as Fast Moving Content Spiral. On deep-diving more, I laddered to my intrinsic need to escape from my own reality and "provenance". I like neither. Both seem to be prescribed than subscribed to and more like an albatross around my neck.

Recently I even realized that my life is full of people who are just there - in suspension or in co-existence. Emotions are transacted along with perishable promises. I see the people - more like ghouls - in my path as stardust : flaky yet solid. I feel like Aza (Turtles all the way down - John Green) - there but not there. Conversations, people,lives and bonds now seem ephemeral. I can't help but wonder if my previously mentioned idea of FMCS is the causality behind the current template of life.



In 2 days recently, I finished watching a heartwarming series of Chesapeake Shores. The story revolves around  Abby - a versatile woman ferreting multiple hats of a successful career woman juggling the pace of NY corporate life, a single mother, recent divorcee, sister to 4 siblings, daughter to a busy father and an absentee mother and a beloved grand-daughter to a wise grandmom. She comes home at the behest of her youngest sibling who has opened up an inn of her own. As she settles her girls in,she bumps into her own high school sweetheart Trace - and together they both realize the full meaning of "home."

Abby realizes 'home' outweighs the rapid pace of her corporate ladder - while she can live her ambition, she has a choice to live it at her own pace. Trace, retraces his footprints back into a high flying music career - now complete in heart and soul with Abby by his side.

However, the series revolves around stories, contexts, emotions and inner thoughts of all characters involved. The layer of family bonding, sibling love, ambition and words of wisdom from the elders are all implicit to tell a tale of the positive family always there for you. I realize the candy floss-ity of it, still am gullible enough to be swept along in its tide.

As I finished the 20 episodes spanning the 2 seasons, I thought of my home. I pictured the people I knew - here where I stay / where I come from - and realized that neither attested to being my home. Instead I am now suffering from an acute attack of hiraeth - "a longing for a home you cannot return to or one that was never yours. Not necessarily a house"

My home town folks never had any connect with me. Both parents were busy chasing materialistic dreams or living up to social ambitions - with no time to converse on topics that would have cemented us together. Instead now there are loud laments everywhere. I belong to a part of a generation that has no / negligible friends. The veil of friendship had been lifted up long back to realize the agenda driven relationship sustenance. I feel no shame or live in denial to highlight the lack - now there is no need even.

Where I stay, now too seems, polluted by people. None of them mine / a home. Nowhere is this feeling of abandonment of spirit or mind explicit - where you know that you can be still and in peace - without the brouhaha. No questions asked, no answers looked forward to - only a fluidity of space, time and relationships to float all boats.

I wonder, how many people have truly found homes? Homes they are lovingly beckoned to - in light / dark? 

Dog-Ma

Almost a year of being a Dog-ma. In every possible way a kaleidoscope of emotions, thrills, hopes and dreams. She has taken me to the moon and back - several times - and continues to do so in her magical way everyday.



Jimmy walked into my life with her four little salt and pepper paws, a year earlier. I believe she was God sent. Maybe my Guardian Angels, realized the trough I was facing in life then and to bolster me out of my own crevice, had sent this furball, my way.

We started living together from her 5th month onwards. My parents had never allowed me to have a dog though I had always yearned for one. I knew deep in my heart I needed one and I could raise one.

Little Jimmy helped me burn myths and live a life of love, laughter and "light".

Let's talk about the myths first -

• Being single does not make any girl equipped to raise a dog - Jimmy and I strongly disagree. She has learnt to spend her free time at her productive best (the doors, walls and endless toys can speak up for that). I am solely responsible for all her needs - walking, barking (she is an extremely quiet dog and I need to teach her how to bark or howl now), OOH pooping, playing with other dogs and playing with me inside the house. Food is her frenemy. She takes out all her moodswings on food which has to be strictly home-made (she is very health conscious with her shining fur and a trim waistline). My maids support me when I am at work. Else she is an independent woman, just like me. In all this, being single / plural (the relationship tag of course) hardly makes a dent because what I have realized interacting with most men - they (the men I have met) remain in the play periphery of the child (human or dog). Mom remains at the nurturance level which is the core. Being single or plural makes no change on call of duty / inherent responsibility drive / heart full of TLC. Being a Dad, is not something, most are naturally equipped to be. 

• Mother knows best. - that is so not true. I have a mother who carries me around like a trophy on her purse or a credit card. Jimmy came in 'her' life (here life = awareness) as a dent to that perfect credit card that could run on its own fuel. She then tried to insinuate herself as a positive catalyst in my life by removing the negativity. Little did she know, (or she did not) about a mother-child love. Jimmy and I remained rock solid while my mother with her Utopia made her exit permanently, from the boundaries of my home. Its a sham when most parents today, take it upon themselves, to 'straighten' or 'keep the child on the right path' - what does it ever mean? That just shows a materialistic, dominating and a controlling mindset - where the child is an object and must flow in the course dictated - not guided. Guidance needs interaction -  my mom and I have never talked. 

• Dogs will bite - of course they will. They are animals. And when cornered, even humans bite and bark. It took patience, love, caring and prayers for me to get past Jimmy's teething phase. I even visited a hospital for anti rabies shots, where the doctor shot furtive and suspicious glances at my Significant Other, fearing domestic violence.  But in the end, looking back, it was worth it all. She is more loving than ever, with occasional mood swings. Protective, she will run and come in  between any one ,who presupposes, a negative vibe which she picks up on instantly. Many a times, if the Significant Other and I are fighting, she will come and sniff - once she senses the heated up atmosphere,  she will jump on her front paws and try to push him away. Otherwise, if the pheromones suggest that "all is well" or "there is love in the air", she is quite happy to share me. 

• Indi dogs are hard to handle. Female Indi dogs are akin to signing a death warrant - Wrong. A vehement no to this. Agree and concur that before Jimmy walked in, I had always dreamt of the branded good looking boy doggo to buy from a breeder. Jimmy managed to open my eyes to a whole new world where I have come across concepts of adoption, Indi bias, male fetish for simplicity measures and looks decide love quotient. Jimmy is most probably a Border Collie and an Indi mix - which makes her a delicious energy ball, active runner with a vibrant demeanor. Given my own inertia to playing, Jimmy seemed not to be my cup of tea / coffee / juice. She ran around, dug into carpets / walls / door frames, scratched me all over, appeared disobedient to any training - basically she was a curious mix of Allauddin Khilji and Tughluq. On top of that being a female, I kept hearing others, tut their tongues on her apparently imminent mood swings, heat cycles which would leave the house messy and create a stench and my own plate being overloaded keeping her (the temptress / seductress) away from the male poachers. The warnings had been registered, but as I fell in love with her, I saw no signs of the above. Her first heat cycle in December left her calmer - my house was as clean / dirty as before - her no cause of any stench / mess. A female was just a gendered label - I soon discovered - she wrestled / wrestles with all male dogs, has no mannerisms girly (bitchy?) and clearly she enjoys being her own self. There is no "handling" aspect to her - its only about seeing her grow up into a swan-like graceful creature who makes each day worth living for. 

My life of the 3 L-s now - love, laughter and 'light'

The term 'spring', would best describe the entry and impact of my Little Jimmy, on me. She came to me at Spring time, when all of Bangalore bloomed out in its glory into an explosion of colorful blossoms. With Jimmy by my side, there is a season agnostic spring, in my step everyday.

She works like a spring too - pulls me up when I sink. I remember a couple of weeks back, a viral had struck a low blow which left me bereft of any energy or stamina. My sleep-cycles were similar to any Rip-Van-Winkle's dreamland - where I seemed to lapse into - with a slight fear of slipping into Forever land. In the REM stage of sleep I dreamt of her calling out, with a keen look in her blazing eyes and her mouth set in a hard line. With a start I awoke to discover I had been asleep for more than 5 hours in the afternnon. Mustering courage, I took her for her walks and stuck to a normal 'routine' - not allowing myself to 'sink.'

I know its 6 am when I feel Jimmy licking me awake. She rises with the sun and tries to program me similar to her body clock too. Of course, its mainly for her OOH freshenings. But eventually, after a period of curses and frantic look-out for dog walkers, I realized that mornings are beautiful (the Goth in me has always been an anti-morning person). I started looking forward to the little walks or runs with her, smelling in the clean air, feeling the mist / chill in the air or simply "being" in tune with nature. 

Its because of her, I have made friends with all her friends - and their walkers and maids too. Her friends are of different shapes, sizes, colors and fur types. I do have my favorites and clearly so does she. She smells the puppers - no harm done - she sniffs at the females, rejects shorter / smaller males and only waits / advances towards the big male dogs. As she plays, I keep interacting with her friends too - who realize my greed to touch them and walk closer to me too. 

I love watching her indomitable spirit as she plays with the big male dogs. She does not stop, is virtually never bereft of energy while the other dog surrenders panting on the floor and she loves to climb on top of the dog. Its a lesson learnt from watching her moves - dont be bullied by life no matter the size of the challenge. She, in her subtle ways, is my Guru. 

To come home, is my biggest joy. She has taught me to be simple, appreciative of the small joys of life. When she hears the key turn in the lock, she is ready to greet me with all her love, licks and tail wags. She demands her quota of love - and I'm only too willing to abide by. Evenings are spent walking, talking and playing ball. My house comes alive with her paws darting from room to room in  search of the elusive ball. 

She has taught me how to control my short temper (put it on leash), be more patient, loving and finally what it is truly like to care deeply for a child. She remains my elixir, the knight in her shining fur, the love of the long licks and my guardian angel in an animated form. My SO / parents often ask me about career / ambition etc - somewhere Jimmy has made me realize that intrinsically my metrics of happiness / success is not about career / travails / vertical ambition - they are scattered but at its root is my need for freedom / flexibility intact.  Best part about being in Jimmy's life is that she makes you famous, popular and well networked across a slew of people from varied backgrounds = which in my current metrics of success / happiness = endless opportunities to grow / be / do + varied interests. 

Today I am me because of who and what Jimmy has made me to be. I am happy. On cloud # 9 / top of the world looking down on creation.